Joke – New Caddy
span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”see where the ball went.” /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”take my brother Scott along?” /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out. /spanbr /br /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"Yup,” Scott answered. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"I forgot.”/span
Joke – Made in Japan
span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out/spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out/spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese/spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a/spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”/span
Made in Japan
span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!” /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!” /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a /spanbr /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. /spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”/span
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”9. While Santa’s in the house… go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”8. While Santa’s in the house… replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us buddy!!”/span
Joke – Vote for Barack Obama
span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because Jimmy doesn’t want to be the worst President in history./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because he’s running out of George Bush jokes./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will David Letterman vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because he’s running out of Jay Leno’s George Bush jokes./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Because she’s running out of other crazy things to do./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Brain tumor./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Will Senator Larry Craig vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. He’ll stall first./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. How will Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Absentee ballot./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Bill thinks Obama’s the bomb./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”Q. Why will sharks vote for Barack Obama?/spanbr /span style=”font-family:trebuchet ms;”A. Professional courtesy./span
Joke – Insufficient Funds
span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad./spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”/spanbr /br /span style=”font-family: trebuchet ms;”"I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”/span
Joke – 24 Hours to Live
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.
He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
After standing for some time, the doctor asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”
A while later, the lawyer asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”
As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked “Why are we standing here?”
“Well,” said the old man, “Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I’d do the same!
Joke – Good and Bad News
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That’s terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Joke – The Taxi Ride
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!